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fighting perfectionism.

this semester, i found journaling to be quite therapeutic. throughout middle school and high school, my mom continually encouraged me to document my thoughts, opinions, and ideas through journaling. however, for years, i contested. throughout high school, i bought journal after journal attempting to consistently channel my thoughts and store them in one place. personally, i found it very difficult to routinely pause and write my thoughts.

since beginning college in late august, i’ve fallen into a “groove” if you will. recording my thoughts, and more importantly, recording my prayers has made the Lord’s goodness tangible. it has been so neat to flip back and reflect on the Father’s faithfulness and favor in my life and the lives of others. — JESUS IS SO COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it’s rare for my backpack to be without my journal. because of this, my journal mimics my mind and serves to document sporadic moments of inspiration, poetry, words of my friends, dreams, desires, and even things as silly as what type of backsplash i want in my first home.

to be completely honest, bent papers and imperfect handwriting became a hindrance to my creativity. when writing in my journal if i bent a page or misspelled a word, i’d have to tear the whole page out of the journal. when writing in my journal, i’d see the torn pages, and be continually reminded of my failure. i’d close my journal and walk away, leaving my journal on my desk for months. then months later, i’d pick up another notebook as another attempt to routinely document my thoughts. as i jumped from journal to journal- i tore out page after page, eventually giving up completely. i had this envisionment of how everything i created was supposed to look, and if i didn’t meet the vision, i had failed myself.

this semester has been home to some of my fondest memories in my life thus far, but it has also been a semester of struggle and sadness that has led to tremendous growth. because of this, i decided to begin writing in a journal. this time, i was determined to flood the pages by the end of the semester.

I BENT PAGES-RIPPED PAGES OUT-SCRIBBLED ON PAGES-SPILLED COFFEE ON PAGES-PASTED MY FAVORITE IMAGES AND HANDWRITTEN NOTES- all of which are monumental for me, considering prior to this semester i would have SCREAMED if i misspelled a word or bent a page.

it is now december tenth and my journal has about six pages left. looking back at my semester, i am so glad that i recorded my thoughts and feelings. reading back over my thoughts after an afternoon spent in the sun, rereading my favorite book, sitting in the cool green grass. when i read over the page entitled ‘september 18,’ it was almost like i could feel how the sun felt on my skin.

ALL OF THAT TO STAY! writing has allowed me to process my thoughts, grow, and learn about myself. it has truly been neat to see my mind and heart flow onto paper. much that is dear to my heart is kept in my journal, which is now dear to me as well. i’ve become fond of how clouds float in the sky and how the cold air feels on my face when i walk out of my building in the mornings. i can read back and remember how i felt when i hung out with certain people. i’ll look back and read about that night i sat in the Lord’s presence and remember what a sweet time that was.

i’m sure that much of this post is common knowledge, but i just wanted to encourage you all to grab a notebook and a pen- and write about the things that you’re grateful for, struggling with, and longing for. sit and dwell in the moment that you’re in- because soon it will be gone. take your notebook with you everywhere you go- to school, the grocery store, on an airplane, outdoors- everywhere. instead of picking up your phone, grab your journal and write about your day or your thoughts. WRITE IT ALL DOWN! even the little things.

you have a beautiful mind. your feelings are valid. you are loved. you are enough. document whatever season you are in, whether it be a season of struggle or triumph. i can just imagine reading back through my first completed journal and remember how it felt to push past the bent pages and scribbles. i’ve realized that i’ve let my perfectionism hold me back. it is hard- but i am working to leave those thoughts and feelings behind me.

i am attempting to push past that wall and i am flourishing because of that.

i am really happy where i am at.

life is sweet and Jesus is genuinely the coolest.

thank you for reading along and loving me for where i’m at. 🙂

— from the girl who loves yellow.

2 Comments

  1. gemfolsom says

    hi taylor! i’m so so glad you spoke on this, i think i speak for all of us who needed to hear it too. i personally struggle with this notion on the daily and have been going back & forth about starting a journal for what has to be years now… similarly i thought that if i even mess up on one word, one little sketch, the whole page needed to go. that mindset had manifested into my general well-being & I found that nothing I ever made was ever good enough and likely would never be good enough. your post reminded me that we ARE good enough because He said we are, no matter the situation. He meets us where we’re at & seeks us constantly leaving a breadcrumb trail of joy for us to follow. thank you for nudging me back in the right direction 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow thank you so much for this! I’ve had tons of journals through the years, but it never feels right, sometimes feels forced. I think it’s a wonderful idea to always take your journal with you, I’ll (try) to start doing that!

    Liked by 1 person

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